The Killing Moon

Okay guys so here is the first chapter of the first fan fiction i have ever written. Bear in mind i'm not a writer so if it sucks i'd love to see some constructive criticism. Don't bash it too much please.

*** I don't own these characters because Stephenie Meyer beat me to them.

Disclaimer: This story is rated R for language and sexual content. If you don't want your virgin eyes to bleed then I suggest you don't continue beyond this point.

Summary: Jacob has returned home after 4 years. Renesmee has harbored feelings towards him for as long as she can remember. Will he ever see her as anything more than a kid? Or will she finally be the one to show him how to live again?

Chapter 1. Homecoming

JPOV

It had been 4 years since I had returned to the home I grew up in. The little house felt like it had only gotten smaller in size since the last time I stood in the family room. I didn't want to come back. But here I was and all I wanted to do was get the hell out of here. I thought it would be OK but as I looked at the old T.V. set that I used to watch Mariner's games with my dad on, I knew that this was gonna be harder than I ever thought possible.

When my sister called and told me the "good news" that her and Paul had set a wedding date, I tried to be happy for her. I tried to focus on all the old friends I would be able to see and catch up with. It made me feel guilty knowing I had hardly spoken to Quil and Embry, my 2 closest friends, since I left. I didn't want to remember the years spent, just me and dad, laughing and looking out for each other. But none of that mattered anymore because he was gone and I could never bring him back.

Another glance around the place told me not much had changed. The same old couch was covered in the same old quilt that had always been there. The tension hummed through every muscle of my body and it took every bit of strength I could muster not to run all the way back to the airport and jump on the first plane back to Hawaii.

I'm doing this for Rachel. I'm doing this for Rachel.

I took a deep breath and repeated those words over in my head like a mantra. She had never pushed for me to visit and even now she didn't. But I knew how much it meant to her for us to be together to share the happiest day of her life with the only family she had left. She never said it but my brotherly instinct told me as much and I wasn't going to be the one to ruin it for her.

"This is gonna be a long month," I mumbled to the empty room.

I continued down the hall to my old bedroom setting my bags down. The tiny room looked as if it had been frozen in time just waiting for the day I would finally return. Not a single thing had been touched since I left. Except for the bed had been made which was something I sure as hell never wasted time doing. My sisters and I couldn't bear the thought of selling the house, after all it was all we had left of our parents, but still it was too painful for us to go on living there. Even now knowing I would only be here temporarily had my stomach twisting in knots.

I heard a knock at the door then a familiar voice, "Jake, you here?" I stepped back into the living room and was greeted by Rachel and Paul.

I hadn't seen my older sister Rachel in years. It had made me feel like a shitty brother to have stayed away for so long, but I was here now so that had to count for something right?

"Hey Rach," I said trying to put more enthusiasm into it than I actually felt.

"We've missed you Jake," she said and we hugged for a second.

"Liar." I looked at the room again. She obviously wasn't living here like she said she was. I give her a look that told her I knew she had been lying and she looked away not meeting my eyes.

Rachel frowned, "I know but with the wedding and stuff I'm kinda staying at Paul's for the time being."

I knew perfectly well how painful it was for her to be in this house and I had never fully understood that pain until now. It broke my heart to see my family in such pain but I could barely deal with my own demons let alone anyone else's. At least she had somebody like Paul to get her through this.

Paul spoke up breaking the silence, "Hey Jake it's good to have you back man." He reached a hand out and I shook it firmly.

I didn't want to lie and say it was good to be back. I wasn't so sure if it was good or not. So instead I settled for sarcasm, "Well when I heard Rach had finally beat you into submission I figured it was my brotherly duty to be here for moral support and to hold a gun to your head if necessary."

Rachel punched my arm not too hard but with enough force to let me know the comment wasn't appreciated. It was just like old times and I couldn't help but give a light chuckle.

"Hey! I'm joking no need to resort to violence," I said as I rubbed my arm for dramatic effect.

She narrowed her eyes at me as Paul chuckled, "Thanks for the offer but I'm good" he said giving Rachel a small smile.

"Well, before you went and reminded me why I don't miss you as much as I should, I was going to say that we're having a bonfire up on the cliffs. But I'm not so sure I want to invite you anymore," Rachel said trying to look serious but falling short.

This is how it was between us. We couldn't talk about how we were really feeling so we resorted to sarcasm. It had become a comfortable defense mechanism over time but I acknowledged the fact that one day I would have to cope with my past. But today was not going to be that day.

"I know you missed me," I said grabbing Rachel and pulling her into a tight hug. I squeezed a little more than necessary and she squirmed trying to get away. Her feet dangled at least 6 inches off the ground seeing as how I was more than a foot taller than her.

"Jacob. Black. Put. Me. Down." Rachel huffed each word to make her point.

I set her on her feet trying not to laugh at her as she smoothed her hair. I knew her bark was worse than her bite but she could definitely hold a grudge and I suddenly thought about the Allie doll incident. When I was about 5 years old I had kidnapped one of her favorite dolls, just to see what the fuss with them was all about. So I snuck out to the woods behind the house so no one would see me playing with it. But the stupid doll didn't do anything. I tried putting it in the stream to see if it could swim but nothing happened. Next I tried the dirt, but all it did was get muddy. So defeated and totally confused as to the whole purpose of the doll I went home but not before throwing the doll in the trash outside the house. When my sister came home from school she knew something was amiss, but with no concrete proof was unable to tattle on me.

The next morning when our mom asked her to take the garbage out she went to the cans outside and lifted the lid to find her favorite doll muddy and ruined. To say hell hath no fury was the understatement of the century. She ran to my room and pulled my hair screaming that I would pay for what I'd done to Allie. Luckily our mother intervened before Rachel had time to begin the beating she was clearly warming up for. I cried and mom forced us both to apologize. The forced apology did nothing, however, to stop the evil glares and occasional shoves that I received from my sister in the weeks to follow. Eventually mom caught Rachel as she pushed me causing me to trip and skin my knee. The scar from which I still carried as a reminder not to incur the wrath of my sister. The lecture Rachel received ensured that I would be safe but I did my best to not piss off my sister like that again.

Paul laughed and threw an arm around her waist and said, "Come up anytime after 6 Jake. It's just gonna be family and some close friends nothing big."

I nodded "Sure sure, 6 o'clock. I'll be there." I couldn't help but notice Paul's calm demeanor. It was hard to believe he was the same Paul that used to walk around all big and bad just waiting for someone to make the wrong move so he could start a fight. Could it have something to do with being in love?

"Of course you'll be there its not like you have anything better to do." Damn, big sisters could really be a pain in the ass sometimes.

"How do you know? I could have a hot date tonight or something," I joked.

"Speaking of hot dates I hear Leah is gonna be there tonight," Paul said with a smirk. Future brother-in-laws could be a pain in the ass too.

I grimaced and looked away. That was one name I really didn't want to hear right now. I wouldn't say that me and Leah had dated. What we had done together would not be considered dating by anybodies standards. But just the same I had left and hadn't said a single word to her since. Regardless of the kind of relationship we did or didn't have I didn't want to be known as the kind of guy Leah probably thought I was now. I was gonna have some serious apologizing to do.

She must think I'm such an asshole.

As I tried to rationalize my actions I realized there was no excuse. There was definitely going to be hell to pay and I shuddered to think of what she might do to me.

"Thanks for the warning," I grumbled not appreciating the reminder one little bit.

Paul cleared his throat, "We still have to pick up a few things for tonight," he looked at Rachel and continued, "lets get going."

Rachel agreed and said bye to me before walking out the door. Paul lingered for a second before, "she really is happy to have you home Jake. We all are. If you need anything," he paused and I could see he was trying to convey the seriousness of his words through his eyes, "all you have to do is ask." He waited for my acknowledgment of his words. I nodded but said nothing more.

"Oh and Jake I keep my old bike in your garage," Paul pulled a key ring from his pocket with one key on it and tossed it to me, " here, in case you need to get out." He smiled and closed the door behind him as he exited. I stared at the key in my hand before noting that Paul was officially the best brother-in-law I could ask for.

I went out to the garage and found Paul's bike. It looked beautiful and out of place sitting next to all the junk in the garage. I ran my hand over the seat to wipe a few specks of dust away. I placed the key in the ignition and the bike roared to life beneath me. The sound was music to my ears. The loud rumble was enough to drown out any unwanted thoughts and right now I really didn't want to think.

RPOV

My cell phone rang 3 times before I finally was able to locate it buried at the bottom of my backpack. It had been obscured by over-sized text books and homework that would keep me busy for the rest of the year. That's what I get for taking AP courses.

"Hello?" I answered not even bothering to check the caller I.D.

"Hey Ness!" responded a familiar voice.

"Oh Seth, hey. What's goin' on?"

I had been friends with Seth Clearwater since we were kids.

"Not much. How you been?"

We chatted idly for a few minutes catching up on all the happenings in Forks and La Push. I wasn't really in the mood for chit chat but I felt bad for going so long without talking to him so I let him ramble on.

When he finally got to the point I had somewhat tuned out. "So Ness we're having a bonfire tonight around 6. You in?" Seth asked enthusiastically.

Uh-oh. Seth was inviting me to a bonfire on a Friday night. Since the age of 13 I sort of had an unofficial rule to only hang out with Seth during daylight hours. I didn't want people to get the wrong idea about us. Translation: I didn't want Seth to get the wrong idea about us.

"I don't know Seth I kinda have a lot of work to do." Wow did I just use homework as an excuse to blow off my best friend?

"Oh come on Ness you haven't been down here in a month. It'll be fun I promise. Besides you geek, its Friday you have all weekend to do homework."

I couldn't deny his logic there and his childlike enthusiasm told me he was really looking forward to my company. He always knew how to make me feel guilty when I hadn't even done anything wrong. The truth was I missed Seth and all my other Quileute friends.

I caved, "alright you got me I'll meet you at your house at 5:30. Is that okay?"

Seth's voice brightened, "Yeah that's perfect. See you later Nessie." He hung up.

I fell back on my bed and stared at the ceiling for a minute just thinking. Seth had been harboring a crush on me for years and as much as I liked him we were still only friends. He never did or said anything to make me feel awkward about it but I knew that secretly, deep down he held some hope that I would one day feel the same.

I glanced at the clock on my nightstand that read 4:30. I didn't have the energy to re-think my entire ensemble so instead I put on a different shirt, a light blue one with thin white pinstripes. I ran a brush through my hair. It was rare that I wore makeup so I put on clear lip-gloss and nothing more. If I put too much effort into my wardrobe on a Friday night Seth might interpret that the wrong way and I really didn't want to give him the wrong impression. I called my mom on my way out the door to let her know where I was going.

When Edward was away at school I got to drive his Volvo. I wish he would just give it to me and by a real man's car. Seriously it's such a chick car and he's almost done with college now. He should just man up and stop being such a pansy about it. I smiled to myself as I drove into La Push knowing Seth would totally agree with me. The sun was mostly gone and there wasn't much light on the road but I knew the way to the Clearwater's like the back of my hand. I pulled up in front of their house at exactly 5:30. As I pulled the key from the ignition the front door swung opened and Seth stood there pulling his jacket on. When I got closer I realized Seth not only had brushed his long hair but it was neatly pulled back and tied at his nape. This was a rare occasion indeed because even though he refused to cut his long locks (and I wouldn't want him to anyway) he also didn't like caring for them. I gave him a once over noticing he was dressed like he was going on a date. Was that cologne I smelled?

Oh shit!

This was too much. As attractive as Seth was, and everyone my age would agree he was totally cute, he was still my friend and nothing more. I couldn't help but get nervous thinking of what all this could mean when he interrupted my train of thought, "Hello, Nessie?" he said and it suddenly occurred to me that he had been talking to me since he walked out the door.

Shit shit SHIT!!

I tried to keep my cool, "Hey Seth." Not the most original opening line but my brain was shutting down to deal with the shock.

He chuckled, "What's wrong Ness you look a little surprised?" He acted as if this was completely normal for him and I wanted to punch him for being able to stay so calm while I was clearly acting like a spaz.

I cleared my throat, "Um, nothing. Sorry." I got quiet again. What the hell was I supposed to say?

"OK, well we should get going. My mom and Leah already headed up there because Leah was in such a hurry," he said with a small roll of his eyes.

"Yeah lets go," I replied trying to act as normal and calm like him even though i felt anything but. We got in the car and started up to the cliffs where bonfires were held on nights like this. We drove most of the way in silence as I analyzed in my head what this whole scenario could mean to Seth.

It's not like he's made a move or anything. He's just a friend. One of your best friends so relax and quit freaking out!

"So what was Leah's rush? She'd be late to her own funeral let alone this," I asked trying not to sound unpleasant when mentioning Leah's name, which I must say is quite a difficult task.

Seth chuckled knowing full well I spoke the truth, "I think she started getting ready around 2 so she'd be on time."

I gave him a confused look. What was so important to her about a bonfire that she would want to be ready on time for once in her life? "I didn't know this was such a special occasion you said it was just a bonfire."

"Well it's sort of an engagement party thing for Paul and Rachel," he stated simply.

I was thoroughly irritated with Seth's lack of details. What the hell did guys have against being specific anyways? I gave him another look to tell him to get to the point already and he continued, "Rachel's brother Jacob is visiting and even after 4 years without a single word Leah is still all hung up on him."

I attempted to keep the shock I felt from showing on my face. This news was more overwhelming than Seth's mini makeover. Jacob Black had finally come home.

RPOV cont.

I had never admitted it to anyone but I had the biggest school girl crush on Jacob. It was one of the perks of hanging out with Seth that I frequently got to see Jacob, before he left of course. He had been close friends with Leah back then and was often found at the Clearwater residence as a result. That was around the same time I came to totally despise Leah. It wasn't that I was jealous but Leah always found some way to point out to me that Jacob was there for her not to play with little kids like me and Seth. I figured Leah must have caught checking out Jake one too many times and realized that I liked him. Then she would always kick us out leaving her and Jake alone. I was too naive at the time to understand what that implied about what they were up to, but as I got older I understood all too well and only hated her more. Jake was hardly to blame though, he was a guy after all and Leah was actually very beautiful... on the outside. At 16 years old she possessed the body of the woman she was now and I was merely a dorky 12 year old with bouncy ringlets and braces.

But I wasn't a little girl anymore. Just one more week until I turned 17 and gone were those atrocious braces. I had filled out on top and my hips were a little rounder as they led down to nice shapely legs that I had no aversion to showing off when the weather permitted. I imagined Jake looking at me with the same hungry look in his eyes I used to notice when Leah would send me and Seth packing. The image sent a small shiver through my body and Seth noticed.

"You cold?" he asked.

"Hmm, oh umm a little I guess," I replied waking up from my silent fantasies.

We approached the location where I could park and then walked a few more yards out to meet up with everyone. Sue, Seth's mom, was the first to notice us arrive and she immediately walked over and gave me a warm hug.

"Hey sweetie. Where have you been? We've missed you," Sue was such a warm loving person. Everything about her just screamed mom. One look at her and you could see where her children inherited their good looks from. Seth definitely had her charisma and warm personality but you might be left wondering what went wrong with Leah.

"I know I'm sorry I haven't been by recently."

"Where's Rachel and Paul?" Seth interrupted.

"They're over there," Sue said pointing out a group standing on the other side of the fire talking animatedly. "You should go say hi to Jacob too, he just got here this afternoon." She looked at me, "you remember Jacob don't you?"

How could I not remember Jacob!

"I think so. Leah's friend right?" I asked taking my cue from Seth and trying to play it cool.

Sue nodded her head and Seth suddenly grabbed my hand as he said, "We will mom. See you later."

He led me over to the group chatting next to the bonfire. As we got closer to everyone I was vaguely aware that we were still holding hands when a voice announced "Hey Seth is here and he brought a girl. Oh never mind it's just Nessie"

I groaned internally and pulled my hand away quickly. The voice chuckled and when we got closer I saw Quil with a beer in his hand chuckling at us. Seth and I were obviously the youngest ones there but I had grown up with these guys just as much as Seth had. Paul and Rachel stood side by side an arm wrapped around each other holding drinks in their hands and talking to Leah next to them. It was cute to see how in love they were. Paul had always been known as a tough guy but when he was around Rachel it was like that guy took a backseat to the guy who was wrapped around her finger. Quil and Jared were directly opposite us and Embry was talking to Sam to the left of me. I didn't see the one face I looked forward to seeing the most and felt a momentary disappointment thinking he might have already left. Suddenly the sound of gravel crunching caught my attention and I glanced over my shoulder to see what I had been waiting for.

Jacob

He was even more beautiful than I remembered. His imposing frame towered over me and I quickly felt very childlike. His smooth russet colored skin showed not a single imperfection as it was illuminated by the flames burning in front of us. His flawless beauty sent my heart flying and a queasy feeling began in my stomach. His hair reached past his shoulders, shorter than I remembered but beautiful just the same. It looked so silky as I wondered what it would feel like to run my fingers through it. He looked directly at me and I felt all the blood rush to my face. It felt like an eternity spent gazing at each other when it really was more like a split second glance then he looked away to greet Seth.

"Hey kid how's it goin'?" he said reaching out to give Seth that half hug back slap thing that guys do.

"I'm alright. It's good to see you man. How's Rebecca and the family?"

REBECCA!? FAMILY!?

Jake chuckled, "You know sisters. Can't live with them, can't wait to get away."

Did he say sister? Oh thank god!


"Yeah I know what you mean," Seth agreed. "Hey Jake you remember my friend Renesmee?"

I looked up trying to meet his gaze again without blushing when I noticed it. Something was different. There was something about his eyes that didn't seem right and I puzzled over it before I heard him speak again

"Renesmee? Cullen?" he asked a little confused.

I nodded and a flicker of recognition flashed across his features. "Holy shit I didn't recognize you. I think the last time I saw you were in braces."

Ugh you just had to mention those braces!

I gave a small smile as I looked up at him through my lashes, "A lot changes in 4 years," I said quietly.

What the hell was that? Did I just try to flirt with Jacob!!

"I guess it does," he replied seemingly amused. He paused to take a drink of the beer in his hand. "But then I guess some other things will never change. Like you're still hanging around this guy."

Seth gave a huge grin, "What can I say? She can't get enough of me." I was mildly horrified when he said this and threw an arm over my shoulder. I gave him an elbow to the ribs and might have put a little more force behind it than necessary.

"Ouch," he said flatly to indicate that it didn't hurt at all.

Jacob laughed a deep throaty laugh and it was like music to my ears, "Don't let her hang around Rachel or she'll be kicking the crap out of you in no time."

Just as I was beginning to calm down and feel more comfortable being in Jacob's presence Leah walked over. I was instantly filled with a combination of dread and anger as Leah sauntered over and pressed up against Jacob's side. Leah throwing herself at Jacob was not something I wanted to watch. Even more I didn't want to see Jacob enjoy it. Leah looked right at me with a big shit eating grin and there was nothing I wanted more than to slap the look off her face.

Seth ignored Leah's arrival, "So how long you staying Jake?"

Jacob frowned slightly, "I only planned to be here till the wedding but Rachel's trying to convince me to stay longer. I'm not really sure yet." What was that frown about? Wasn't he happy to be home with his friends and family? I guess I hadn't really thought about it but maybe this wasn't a happy homecoming for him. But I couldn't figure out why. I tried to analyze his face for any sign of what he must be feeling but the frown that I had caught a glimpse of earlier was gone now. My only hint was that look in his eyes that still just didn't seem right. They looked hollow. Like there was no more life left in them. I was sad to think of what horrible thing could have happened to him to make him change so dramatically.

Leah spoke up and I snapped back to reality, "Jake do you remember that camping trip we took the summer before our senior year? Me and Quil were just talking about it." She was clearly referring to something that only her and Jake knew about.

Bitch!

Quil joined the conversation having heard his name and the 3 of them began sharing memories and laughing forgetting that we were even there. The night continued in much the same manner. I even talked to Sam for a few minutes. It was odd seeing him by himself but his wife Emily was 7 months pregnant with their first child and she was in dire need of rest. I chatted a little with everyone while trying to avoid Leah who was already slurring her words and hanging all over Jacob like a cheap coat. An hour or so later I yawned deeply and Seth asked if I wanted to get going. I didn't of course but thought it was about time I got home so we started saying our goodbyes to everyone. Leah was having trouble standing at this point and Jake was practically cradling her. He announced that it was probably time for them to leave too and I couldn't help but cringe at the thought of a drunken Leah going home alone with Jacob. She was enough of a slut when she was sober but I could only imagine what she would be like when she was shit-faced and her inhibitions had been thrown to the wind. I did my best to suppress my rage as Seth and I left with Leah and Jacob behind us.

I heard the sound of a motorcycle roar to life as we were getting in the car and felt another twinge of anger knowing that Leah would have the excuse she needed to put her hands all over Jacob. I let Seth drive on the way back claiming I was tired. I was tired but mostly I was afraid that if I got behind the wheel I wouldn't be able to stop myself from making sure Jacob and Leah went home... separately. Don't get me wrong I didn't take him for the kind of guy that would take advantage of a girl while she was drunk but Leah on the other hand was not to be trusted. I imagined Leah making a fool of herself as Jacob refused to touch her and I couldn't help but smile.

The car stopped in front of Seth's house and I thanked him for the invite. He looked at me for a second without saying anything. He looked like he was going to speak but didn't. He didn't look as cheerful as he had when I picked him up and I asked if anything was wrong. He looked away from me before shaking his head no and saying goodnight.

Gonna have to figure that one out later.

When I got home I went to my room and quickly changed for bed. I climbed under the covers getting comfortable and lay there for a minute replaying the brief conversation with Jacob in my head. My lids got heavier and I welcomed a night filled with dreams of Jacob.

JPOV

I honestly thought Leah hated my guts. But as we lay together in my bed feverishly making out I figured it must have just been my own guilty conscience that led me to believe that. She trailed kisses down my neck to my shoulder and back again sending a thrill of anticipation through my entire body. She lightly raked her fingernails down my abdomen to the waist of my jeans. Her hand undid the button then slipped inside and I couldn't help but groan. My eyes rolled back into my head as the pleasure increased. I returned her kisses, burying my face in her bronze curls as I lost myself in her touch.

Curls?

I hadn't been touched like this in 4 years. Of course I had the occasional one night stand but I hadn't found anyone that made me feel like this. It had been so long I knew I was nearing the edge. She picked up the tempo, pumping my erection until I felt my muscles tightening. I was helpless. I laid back letting her continue her work until I couldn't hold back anymore and felt my release. I groaned loudly, grabbing a handful of curls and crushing her lips to mine as the waves of pleasure subsided. She cuddled close and waited for my breathing to return to normal. I felt her body stretch to place kisses on my jaw. I opened my eyes and turned to look at the angel in my arms. She gazed back at me with beautiful hazel green eyes, long bouncy bronze curls, and ivory skin.

Renesmee.

I shot straight up in bed, my body covered in sweat. I looked around. I was in my room. I was alone and it was just a dream. I pushed the hair off my neck as I tried to wrap my head around the fact that I had just had a wet dream starring Renesmee Cullen. I glanced down noticing that part the dream was real. Did it have to be the messiest part?

What the fuck!

The morning sun was already spilling through the curtains so I got up to take a shower. The warm water felt good as it washed away the sweat. But all my efforts to push the dream out of my head were in vain. The harder I tried to forget the more I remembered until I had another raging hard-on that had to be relieved before getting out of the shower. I couldn't understand why it was Renesmee and not Leah. Leah and I were the ones with a history. Leah was the one who had been throwing herself at me since we hit puberty. Leah was the one who, even after 4 years without a single shred of contact, expected us to just pick up where we left off no questions asked. I don't know what bothered me more. That it wasn't Leah or that it was Renesmee.

Nessie is just a kid. No more than 16 I bet. Christ I'm a total perv.

I stripped my bed of the soiled sheets and blankets and put them in the wash. Thank god I was the only one home. I would never live down the embarrassment of having a wet dream at 22 if Rachel or Rebecca had been around. I pulled clean clothes out of my suitcase and got dressed. I couldn't bring myself to unpack my bags and I didn't want to dwell on what that meant. I heard a beep that indicated I had a message on my cell phone. It was Rachel inviting me over to Sam and Emily's for breakfast. I decided to go for 2 reasons. Reason 1: I didn't want to be alone with my thoughts any longer than I had to. Reason 2: I never turn down free food. My stomach growled as I hopped on Paul's bike and rode off to Sam's place.

In minutes I was pulling up in front of the house. As I walked through the front door my senses were assaulted with the scent of bacon and eggs. My mouth started watering and I was only vaguely aware of everyone saying hi to me. Emily was the only one I didn't see last night at the bonfire. She came over and gave me a big hug.

"How can you get close enough to the stove to cook," I joked as I pointed at her enormous belly.

She playfully slapped my arm. "Well at least someone doesn't lie to me about how big I've gotten." She shot a look over to Sam and he blew her a kiss.

"Any bigger and you're goin' to need your own area code Em." Emily was a good sport about my jokes and laughed along. Sam on the other hand, not so much.

"Sit down and shut up Black."

"Sit down sweetie I'll get you a plate," Emily said to me and I couldn't get past how mom-like she already was. If there was any woman meant to be a mother it was Emily. It made me miss having a mom. I didn't remember much about mine but I liked to think she was like all the other mom's we had around... only better. Emily brought a plate over to me and I didn't hesitate to dive in.

"So Jake how'd it go last night?" Paul was obviously referring to the sloppy drunken mess that was Leah.

"With Leah?" Paul nodded. "How do you think it went? She was so drunk she passed out before we got to the bottom of the cliff. I had to stop a few times and make sure she didn't slip off the back of the bike." I rolled my eyes as I remembered Leah barely able to keep her head up but her hands going to work south of my belt. It might have been pretty hot if she hadn't been too drunk to remember her own name.

Emily gave Sam a stern look, "you didn't tell me my cousin was so drunk she could barely walk."

The room grew quiet not knowing how to respond. I continued eating my breakfast hoping to devour it before the big blow up. Now Emily was normally sweet and even-tempered but I had been around enough women to know that could change without the slightest provocation. I also knew, from being around my sister Rebecca when she was pregnant, that pregnancy led to far more confusing mood-swings than was normal for any human being.

Sam groaned into his coffee mug and muttered a, "thanks a lot guys," under his breath.

"Sam?" Emily was obviously not happy now and I was kinda bummed breakfast was so delicious 'cause now I wasn't going to get seconds.

"Em, she was fine. You know your cousin she likes to have a good time."

That was it. It was like somebody had flipped a switch. Emily's eyes widened and I thought her eyelid might start twitching, "what is that supposed to mean?" She suddenly dropped the pan she had been holding as she made her way out of the kitchen to her room and slammed the door. This was very out of character. Must be the hormones.

"Sorry guys," Sam apologized. Paul and my sister had already been getting ready to bolt and now that Emily had disappeared they saw this as their chance to make a quick getaway. I downed my cup of coffee and said "good luck" to Sam before making my own escape. Before I reached the door I could faintly hear Sam pleading with Emily to open the door and talk to him. Poor bastard.

God I hope that isn't me some day!

"Jake got any plans today?" Rachel asked me and I lied and said yes. I don't know what compelled me to say that, maybe I didn't want her to feel she needed to protect me from the demons of my past that I'm sure I wasn't hiding too well if anyone cared to notice. I watched as they drove away and I realized how lonely I felt. I didn't have someone like Rachel or Rebecca had. I didn't have anyone else around to help take away some of the pain I'd felt everyday for the past 4 years. Of course they had been dealing with the pain for a lot longer than I had and that only brought on another wave of guilt.

I jumped on the bike and rode off without bothering to put my helmet on. The sound of the wind rushing past me as I drove through town roared in my ears. As I drove trying not to think I was only faintly aware of where I was headed. I turned onto a familiar street and couldn't help the feeling of deja vu I got. It was hardly noon but I hoped Leah would be up. I wanted a distraction and Leah was the most willing person I could think of.

*********
RPOV

I woke up a little later than normal. I loved the weekends. It was a surprisingly nice day outside and there didn't appear to be a cloud in the sky. The pleasant weather matched my more than pleasant mood after a night spent dreaming about the gorgeous Jacob Black. I couldn't wait to see him again and as I showered and dressed I was thinking of ways I could run into him again. Then it was so obvious I couldn't believe I had to think so hard to figure it out.

Seth

After the initial thought I felt guilty. It would be wrong to use Seth like that, then I thought back to the sad quiet drive we shared on the way home last night. It suddenly occurred to me that I would be visiting Seth today but it wouldn't be in hopes of seeing Jacob. Me and Seth needed to have a talk and as much as I didn't want to I had procrastinated enough. No sooner had the thought crossed my mind but my phone rang. I checked the caller I.D.

Speak of the devil.

"Hey whats up?" I answered.

"Nothing. What are you up to?" Seth didn't sound nearly as cheerful as I was used to hearing and I was determined to change that. The inevitable conversation that we needed to have was only going to break his heart. Why couldn't Seth crush on someone else?

"I was planning on swinging by so we could hang out. Unless you don't want me to." I put a little hurt into it so he would realize I didn't like hearing this sullen Seth.

"OK, it would be nice to talk and hang for a bit. See you soon Renesmee." He didn't wait for a response before he hung up. I couldn't help stare at the phone for a few seconds. He never called me by my full name. What was that about? Was he mad at me? I replayed yesterday's events in my head trying to find something that would explain his odd behavior. This attempt was futile, however, because the only thing I could remember 100% accurately was my brief interlude with Jacob. Regardless I kept trying to solve the mystery as I drove to Seth's house. I pulled up in front and took a deep breath before getting out. I wasn't sure exactly what I would say but I hoped when the time came it would come to me. Before I knocked on the door I saw a note. It read:

-R-

Went for a walk. Meet me at the beach.

-S-

For some reason my heart beat with trepidation. Seth had never been mad at me before and I didn't know how I was supposed to react. It made me sad to think I was the cause of his pain. Now I was beginning to lose my resolve. I just wanted to see Seth happy. I got back in the car and drove down to the beach. There weren't many people there. Even on a nice day like today the water would be freezing but that didn't stop the few surfers that were out there taking advantage of the waves. I noticed Seth leaning on the railing that separated the parking lot from the beach. He didn't turn when I pulled up in the spot behind him. He just kept staring straight forward with his arms crossed like he was made of stone. I got out of my car and stood next to it waiting for him to acknowledge my presence. He never turned. I made my way over to him remaining silent. I didn't like what I saw when I was close enough to study his features. He wore a mask of conflict, sadness and anger. It was rare to see him without his usual happy demeanor. I really didn't like this sullen Seth. He took a deep breath and exhaled slowly before he said, "I got accepted to UCLA."

RPOV cont.

It was my turn to wear a mask of painful emotions. The school year was over in a few months and Seth would be graduating early. Even though he called me a geek and made fun of me for my hard-core study habits, he was the real brainiac. We had talked about going to school together and had applied to all the same universities. Or at least I thought we had. Seth had never kept secrets from me before. He had never lied to me either and I couldn't believe how much it hurt knowing I had been deceived by my best friend.

"I didn't know you had applied," My voice came out low and hoarse as I refused to cry.

"It was a last resort. I didn't know I was going to use it until last night." He spoke mechanically and the lack of emotion in his voice only made his words cut that much deeper.

"I don't understand," I said on the brink of tears.

Oh my god! Is Seth breaking up with me?

"I know we talked about going to school together Ness," he paused. It was good to hear him call me Ness. Maybe this was hard on him too and the tough guy facade was starting to crack. "But I realized I've spent all of my childhood and teen years following you around waiting for you to see me as something other than your best friend." The facade was falling to pieces and Seth looked younger and more vulnerable than I had ever seen. My warm tears began to flow freely. "So I applied to UCLA and figured if I was accepted and you changed your mind about us then I would never tell you and we would go to school together like planned."

He dropped his gaze to stare at his feet before he continued. Before I got in my car today I wished that Seth would crush on someone else. Now I would give anything to feel the way he wanted me to so he wouldn't leave me. I wanted things to be the way they had always been but now it was me who was crushing Seth and he didn't want to put up with it anymore.

"I had no idea until last night," he finally looked directly at me when he said this and I could see the overwhelming sadness in his eyes and it made my tears flow faster.

"Seth I-I don't..." I stuttered trying to ask him what he meant.

He took a deep breath and looked back out at the waves, "I watch my sister make an idiot of herself with a guy who fucks her then runs away without saying a single word to her. Now my best friend and the girl I would give my life for is in love with the same asshole. Hell sometimes I think my mom even likes him more than me."

I was stunned. It wasn't just to hear Seth acknowledge my fondness for Jacob but to hear how little he thought of him now that was shocking. He had always looked up to Jacob as a brother. Now he thought poorly of him and it was my fault. I couldn't think of anything to say so I instantly went on the defensive, "I'm not in love with anyone!"

"Then I must have imagined you shamelessly flirting with Jacob last night," he spat his accusation at me.

"I don't know what to say," I really didn't and it frustrated me to no end to think I might not be able to repair this.

"You don't need to say anything Renesmee. It's done." He started to walk away from me and I could feel the anger rise inside. If he thought our friendship was over, that I would let it go just like that, then he had another thing coming.

"What the hell do you mean its done!?" I yelled at him. I had never yelled at him before. Of course he had never lied to me before and he really needed to stop calling me Renesmee like we were mere acquaintances instead of lifelong friends.

He turned to face me, "There's nothing left to say Renesmee. I'm leaving and I can't do this anymore."

"There's plenty more to say! Like why did you lie to me!?"

He laughed but it was humorless, "That's rich. Me lie to you? Well I guess that makes us even."

He wasn't making any sense and was only succeeding in pissing me off further, "I haven't lied to you about anything!"

"Is that so? I'm sure I would have remembered you mentioning an interest in Jacob Black."

"So you're done being my friend because you're jealous!?" I knew this wasn't what he was saying but I was mad and I didn't want to be the only one hurting.

"We've always told each other everything Renesmee! Why hold out on me now? You know I would have understood." He yelled at me and his eyes were more sad than angry now. I had betrayed him. I made the first cut. He was just trying to stitch the wound before he bled out. I couldn't think of a single reason now as to why I didn't just admit how I felt about Jacob at least to Seth. I know he would have understood whether he liked it or not.

"I'm sorry Seth. I'm so sorry." I could see his eyes well up with tears and I stepped closer. I was more sorry than he could understand.

He looked away suddenly and I could see him blink furiously to stop the tears. "Look why don't I call you later or something. You know when we calm down. If you want me too."

I wiped at my own tears with the back of my hand, "Okay. That might be a good idea." He gave me a sad grin before walking away.

I decided to take a walk on the beach. I needed time to think about what all of this meant. Seth was leaving me. I had betrayed our friendship by keeping secrets that ultimately hurt more than helped. As I thought about all this I took a seat on the sand. I looked out at the waves and noticed that the nice sunny day was gone and the clouds had moved in. I hadn't noticed it as I argued with Seth but I didn't mind the gloomy weather. Living in Washington I was used to it and right now it suited my mood. I felt a few drops of rain and knew I needed to get going before it started to pour. I started back to my car just as the rain picked up. I started to drive home but I couldn't leave things like this with Seth. It would be impossible for me to worry about anything else until we talked it over and set everything straight. I turned the car around and drove back to the Clearwater's. There were so many things I needed to say. I needed to make it better. For my own sanity I needed Seth to understand.

I pulled up in front of the house and took a few deep breaths before I got out. The rain was steadily falling so I walked quickly to the front door and knocked. I was so determined to set the record straight with Seth I didn't see the familiar motorcycle sitting in the driveway. I waited a few seconds and knocked again. I was getting more nervous by the second. Suddenly I heard a commotion on the other side of the door then the sound of the lock turn and the door opened. However the tall male figure that stood shirtless before me wasn't Seth.

It was Jacob Black.

JPOV

I pulled up in front of the Clearwater's and cut the engine. Sue's car wasn't in the driveway so I wouldn't have to worry about any parental interference. I knocked on the door. Nobody answered right away so I knocked again. The door opened and it was Seth. I thought I saw a flash of anger cross his features but if it was there at all it disappeared before I could read anything into it.

"Hey kid. Your sister home?" I asked casually. This didn't bother me as much when Seth and Renesmee were younger because I was sure that they didn't understand the real purpose of my visits. But now that he was older I'm sure he'd figured out why Leah always kicked them out when their mom left.

"She's still recovering from last night. Come in." He stepped back from the door and I entered shutting it behind me. I hadn't been inside this house in so long but the rush of nostalgia hit me so hard I had to concentrate to keep from having a break down. Being here was almost as bad as being in my house. I heard Seth knock on Leah's bedroom door. When she didn't answer he pounded on it and I had to suppress my laughter. Looks like nothing has changed with that relationship.

Seth came back into the family room as he was pulling on his jacket. "Goin' somewhere?" I asked.

"I have something I need to take care of," he said curtly clearly not wanting to talk about it. "My mom won't be home until this evening. Later." I watched him walk over to the kitchen table scribble a note and then walk out the door. Seth was never so short with me like that. He had always been like a brother to me. When I left I didn't think of what kind of effect it would have on the people I cared about. Seth had seemed okay last night but maybe he was just keeping up appearances for my sake. I was going to have a lot of making up to do with my friends.

I heard footsteps in the hallway and looked over my shoulder to see Leah standing in the doorway. She was a little disheveled having just woken up but other than being tired seemed fine.

"Well well. To what do I owe this visit?" she said in a sleepy voice.

"I wanted to see how you were feeling," I replied.

And I wanted to distract myself by screwing you senseless for the rest of the afternoon.

As if reading my thoughts a devious smile formed on her face. "I need a shower first give me a minute," she said. She pulled the over-sized shirt she had worn to bed over her head and dropped it on the floor. A pair of black lace panties were the only thing covering her now and I felt my pulse race. She turned toward the bathroom and called back, "you can wait in my room."

I didn't move. I don't know why but a bed just made it seem a little more intimate than I wanted it to be right now. I know it was kind of an asshole thing to think but I just needed a little casual sex. No strings attached. I knew Leah would understand that. The anticipation built as I waited. I thought about joining her when I heard the shower shut off and I walked over to wait outside the bathroom. Leah emerged towel drying her dark hair and another wrapped around her body.

She looked shocked to see me leaning against the wall waiting for her. The lust in my eyes told her all she needed to know. She dropped the towel she was holding and I gripped the other towel she had and pulled her towards me. Her breathing picked up and the clean scent of her skin was intoxicating. I skipped her lips and went straight to kissing her neck and shoulders. I heard her sigh as I made my way up to her ear. Her hands went to the hem of my shirt. I quickly ripped it over my head wanting to feel her skin against mine. I pulled her towel off, discarding it on the floor as she wrapped her arms around my neck and pressed ours lips together. With her warm naked body pressed against me I knew we weren't going to make it to the bed even if I wanted to.

I sank to my knees pressing kisses to the soft flesh of her belly as I made my way down. I pulled her down next to me reveling in the warmth of her body. I ran my hands over her skin and felt her shiver under my touch. I let my hand slide between her thighs. The wet warmth that met me was gonna make me finish before we had even started.

I don't like to rush this. I like to draw it out and let the sensations consume us. But I had no time for that romantic shit right now. My needs were purely carnal and I was beyond thinking. Besides this was Leah. She would understand.

I quickly discarded my jeans. Leah gripped my incredibly stiff erection and I had to fight back the urge to erupt right then and there. Her breathing was heavy as I moved my hand back to her wetness and inserted two fingers. Her head fell back, a loud moan leaving her lips. I positioned myself at her entrance as I hovered above her. She wrapped her long legs around my waist urging me to enter her. In one swift thrust of my hips I buried the full length of my hard-on inside her. Her nails dug into my shoulders and I knew she was drawing blood. The pain went straight to my head intensifying my need. I waited a few seconds before I moved. Leah seemed lost in the pleasure and I felt her muscles flex around me. I proceeded slowly at first but the pace picked up and the quiet house was soon consumed with the sounds of our moaning. I realized too late that I didn't wear a condom and went to pull out but Leah wrapped her legs tighter around my hips. I continued pounding her until I felt my stomach clench and the need for release sent me over the edge. My body stiffened as I felt Leah reach her climax at the same time. I collapsed on the floor next to her and she snuggled up to me resting her head on my shoulder.

Our breathing leveled out and I turned to look at her. Her hair was still damp and now her body was covered in a light sheen of sweat. Last night's dream suddenly popped into my head and even though this made more sense I couldn't shake the feeling that something was missing. The dream felt so right but the reality just felt empty. I felt guilty and a little confused. Why the hell was I thinking of this now? I had made it since breakfast without thinking about that stupid dream and now that I have the chance to add a few memories of Leah to the spank bank all I can think of is Renesmee Cullen jacking me off. I am seriously more fucked up than I thought.

4 years ago a rendezvous such as this would have made me feel strong and bold. But now it didn't. I felt lost. Like a ship without a sail unable to navigate, at the mercy of the seas. Things had changed and I couldn't put my finger on it but the feeling I had now wasn't the one I was expecting. I still felt a yearning but clearly that yearning wasn't for Leah. There was a time when I would have thought (along with everyone else) that we would end up together but there was no hint of that emotion left in me now. Something just didn't feel right. I was going through the motions but the result wasn't the same.

Leah's voice dragged me from my thoughts, "That was long overdue."

I couldn't help but laugh. I didn't deserve her understanding and it made me feel guilty, "I should apologize... for... I guess I should have..." I trailed off not exactly sure what to say

"Why? It's not like we were together or anything," she stated matter-of-factly.

"I know but I just wanted you to know that-" she pressed her finger to my lips cutting me off before I could finish.

"Jacob it's okay. We were both in a different place then." I really didn't deserve her understanding. She threw a long tanned leg over my body and sat up straddling my hips, "But if you feel that bad about it I'm willing to let you make it up to me."

I made it up to her four more times before I was too exhausted to move. What can I say I am only a man. We eventually made it to her bedroom just not into the bed. We lay on the floor side by side staring at the ceiling. Her fingers lightly traced shapes on my arm as I tried to sort out all the fucked up feelings I had inside me. It was really pissing me off that I couldn't get past that dream.

I hadn't really spoken to Renesmee last night at the bonfire. We exchanged a few pleasantries and she had blushed. It was actually pretty cute the way her creamy skin flushed when I mentioned those braces she used to wear and then the way she looked at me through her eyelashes in a blatant attempt at flirting with me. I have to admit it's somewhat of an ego boost when any girl has that reaction to you and I could feel my pride swell just the tiniest bit at the memory of it.

"It's almost 4," Leah said glancing at the clock.

Holy shit we've been fucking for 4 hours!

"I should get going," I told her.

"Okay. I'm supposed to catch a ride to work with Rosalie at 5 and I'm gonna need another shower."

Shit! If Rosalie is coming over I need to get my ass out of here.

With that we got up and started getting dressed. I went to the hallway where my clothes were when there was a knock at the door. I looked towards Leah's room and she popped her head out, "I bet Seth forgot his key again the dumbass. Can you get that?"

"Sure," I said pulling my jeans on and not bothering with a shirt.

JPOV cont.

There was another knock, louder this time. Somebody was impatient. I opened the door expecting Seth but what I got totally threw me for a loop because it was Renesmee. Her green eyes grew wide as they took in my shirtless torso, then a pink blush tinted her cheeks and I suddenly wished I had put on my shirt. The skies had clouded over and it was beginning to rain. A few drops sat delicately on her hair making her look somewhat ethereal. What the hell! Why was I noticing these things?

"Who is it?" Leah called from her room breaking me out of my trance. I couldn't get my mouth to work to answer her.

"Um, I was looking for Seth. Is he here?" she asked quietly. Her gaze dropped to the floor and I heard footsteps behind me.

There was a slight puffiness and bloodshot tinge to her eyes that told me she had been crying recently. I couldn't describe the pang of emotion that fluttered through my stomach at the thought of someone making her cry. That must have been why she was looking for Seth. She needed someone to comfort her and I felt slightly envious that Seth got to be the one to take care of her.

"Jake who is-" Leah settled next to me putting her arms around my waist. I wanted to rip her arms off when I realized she was wearing nothing but the t-shirt I hadn't bothered to put on before answering the door. To anyone who didn't know us we looked like a couple and I'm sure we also looked like we had just had a 4 hour sex marathon. I felt a lump form in my throat and a sudden urge to exclaim "its not how it looks" but it was. It was exactly how it looked and I would give anything to take it all back now as I watched Renesmee

Damn that dream really fucked with my head.

"No he's not here. I haven't seen him all day. Now why don't you be a good little girl and run along," Leah answered condescendingly. I never understood Leah's attitude towards her. But then Leah sort of acted like that with everyone. I wondered which Leah was the real one. The one who was a bitch to everyone around her or the one who was willing to help ease my pain in any way I saw fit. Not for the first time in my life I thought Leah was playing me but I could honestly say that I no longer cared. Leah tossed her hair over her shoulder and strode off towards her room to hopefully change into her own goddamn clothes.

Renesmee looked at me through her lashes just like she did last night but this time there was no flirtation in her eyes. Instead there was sorrow and I could see the green start to flood with tears. If she started crying right here in front of me it would certainly be my undoing.

Please don't cry. please don't cry. please don't cry.

"Sorry. I didn't mean to... bother," she said before hightailing it back to her car as quickly as she could.

I stupidly did nothing. I just watched her walk away and I closed the door. I don't know how to describe what I felt seeing her in such a vulnerable state but I knew that it was nothing that could be solved by playing these games with Leah. Relief washed through me as I heard the shower go on and I went to Leah's room to retrieve my shirt. I grabbed it off her bed, picked up my shoes from the hallway and all but ran out the door. I pulled my shirt on right as I reached the door slamming it behind me. I sat on the top step of the porch and pulled my socks and shoes on as I tried to sort through all the fucked up emotions running through me. The most fucked up of these emotions was the one I couldn't even describe. It was the feeling that stirred when I saw Renesmee's eyes filled with tears. There was a knot forming in the pit of my stomach at the mere thought of it that told me whatever it was I should be terrified.

How had all of this happened in less than 24 hours? I should have just stayed in Hawaii with Rebecca until they came down for the wedding. Now I was stuck here for the next month at least with more problems haunting me than I had the strength to deal with. I furiously zipped my jacket as the rain began falling faster. I still didn't bother with the helmet as I backed down the driveway. I turned the corner intent to meet up with Quil or Embry or anybody willing to get wasted with me. But when I made the turn I nearly lost control of the bike as my gaze took in the most heartbreaking sight.

Renesmee sat in her car crying. Her face was buried in her arms as she leaned against the steering wheel and her slight frame shook with the force of her sobbing. She sat back closing her eyes allowing the tears to stream down her face. The picture before me caused a tightening in my chest that damn near suffocated me. I debated whether I should do something as the knot in my stomach tightened. But just like when I answered the door I just stood there like a fucking idiot and did nothing. As much as I wanted to help, for reasons I had yet to decipher, I had no damn clue as to how. Besides who the hell was I to her? I was nobody, just some asshole that used to hang around when she was a kid.

Just as I was about to get off the bike she turned her head. She was looking right at me. Only her gaze went right through me making me heart clench. The tears had made her hazel green eyes more clear and vibrant. The effect was so piercing I felt like a deer caught in the headlights. She wore streaks of moisture on both cheeks which were now a little flushed. I caught myself imagining my thumbs gently whisking the tears away before pressing kisses to each side of her mouth. With that one glance I knew nothing would ever be the same again, but being the stubborn idiot I am, I was determined to deny it.

I gripped the throttle tight and tore off down the street without a backward glance.

*****
RPOV

It had been a colossal mistake to see if Seth was home so we could talk. Instead of talking to Seth I was treated to the horror of seeing Jacob and Leah in their post-sex state of disarray. I was horrified when Jacob answered the door with no shirt, the smell of sex clinging to his body. I couldn't help but blush as it dawned on me what I obviously interrupted. Jacob stood there glaring at me with those unreadable eyes. Every fiber in my body screamed at me to leave, that I didn't want to see this but I couldn't move. I was glued to the spot and my legs refused to budge. I reminded myself to breath, to remain calm. Maybe it wasn't how it looked and I was jumping to conclusions because if I had a nearly naked Jacob alone in my house there is only one thing I would want to do with him. Apparently denial isn't just a river in Egypt.

When I was finally able to get the words out of my mouth I asked about Seth. My question was met by silence and I heard Leah asking who was at the door. She approached and she wore nothing more than a t-shirt. A very large t-shirt that hung on her lithe frame like a dress. She was wearing Jake's t-shirt. Okay so it was exactly how it looked but what did I expect? Jacob hardly knew who I was. My heart pounded an irregular beat so hard I thought it might explode out of my chest. She wrapped her arms around his naked waist and I wanted to rip them from their sockets. I avoided eye contact lest I give Leah the pleasure of seeing the tears that were quickly welling up.

I'm not going to cry. I'm not going to cry.

She admitted she didn't know where her brother was and dismissed me like I was 12 years old before retreating back into the house. It should have made me angry but the only emotions I could conjure with any accuracy were agony, grief, despair. It was stupid of me to think that anything could ever happen between me and Jacob. I obviously had let my fantasies turn into full blown delusions and now I was paying the price. The tears were accumulating quicker than I could handle. I needed to get away and fast. I lifted my eyes to his face and apologized for bothering. He met my gaze remaining silent but slightly more irritated than before. I left practically running back to my car.

The rain was coming down harder as I reached my car. Once inside I fumbled with the levers until I found the one that operated the windshield wipers. The tears began to fall all on their own and I made no move to wipe them away. I turned the corner and slammed on the brake. The sobs tore from my throat uncontrollably. I leaned my head against the steering wheel as I was crying so hard it was becoming difficult to breathe. I could feel myself falling apart.

How could the two most horrific moments of my life occur in the same day!?

I couldn't drive in this condition. I sobbed for a few more minutes before I sat back breathing deeply to catch my breath. I heard what sounded like thunder and raised my head to see Jacob straddling his motorcycle watching me. I could see his face clearly since he wasn't wearing a helmet. There was a stubborn set to his jaw, his dark eyes revealing nothing. He looked defiant as if he was refusing to give in to something. What I don't know but it did nothing to stop the ache in my body that longed for him to see me the way he saw Leah. He could do so much better. Then without warning the engine of his motorcycle revved and he drove off down the street like he couldn't get away fast enough.

He was running from me. At least that's how it seemed. I sat in my car trying to collect myself for another 10 minutes before I felt okay to go home. The rain was still falling and I gave my full attention to the sound of the drops hitting the windows. I didn't want to have another breakdown until I was safely home and warm in my bed. Alone.

I was in a daze as I pulled the Volvo into the garage. Cutting the engine I took a deep breath and a few seconds to look myself over in the mirror. My eyes weren't as red as they had been but they were definitely puffy. There was no way my mom was gonna miss that. I looked through the glove box until I found a small makeup compact that I kept in there for emergencies. I applied a small amount beneath my eyes. Hopefully that would be good enough to keep mom from asking too many questions. I knew she'd be able to tell something was wrong but I really didn't want to have to give up the whole story just yet. As long as I didn't appear too out of sorts she would let it go until I was ready to talk.

I walked into the house hoping my mom wouldn't be in my line of sight so I could make a beeline for my room and avoid her attention entirely. I could hear her talking business on her cell phone. I approached the kitchen cautiously listening to her conversation before deciding that I was in the clear. Just as I was about to cross the doorway to the hallway that led to my room, I heard her cell phone snap shut.

Well nothing else has gone my way today so why change it up now.

"Nessie? Is that you?"

"Yeah mom its me," I tried to say casually.

She smiled as I walked into the kitchen then her smile fell away as she caught sight of me. "Nessie whats wrong?" Damn mom's and their motherly intuitiveness.

I tried to feign ignorance when I answered, "Nothing, why?"

"You look upset," nothing ever got past this woman.

"Honey you know you can tell me," she reminded.

I sighed in defeat, "I know mom. I just don't feel like talking about it right now."

That seemed to satisfy her for the time being but I knew it wouldn't hold long if I didn't get my act together.

"So how was the bonfire last night? Did you have fun?" She asked genuinely curious. I was seriously trying not to think about last night and all of the horrific events that subsequently followed.

"Yeah it was fun," I answered in a monotone but she didn't seem to notice.

"Good. Hey so the big day is coming up. You have any idea what you want to do?" She asked referring to my birthday.

If she had asked me yesterday I might have come up with an entire laundry list of presents and acceptable activities for that day. However, yesterday was gone and with it everything that made sense had gone too. It was like I had slipped into an alternate universe and everything was totally backwards. With any luck I would wake up tomorrow in a hospital bed with a nice doctor telling me I've suffered a blow to the head and have been unconscious for 3 days. Yup that would definitely be better then what I was living through now.

"I haven't decided." I told her realizing too late my mistake in that response.

She turned to gawk at me, then her expression turned to one of concern, "Not a single suggestion?"

I tried to recover, "Well I just have so many ideas it's really hard for me to narrow it down." I even tried to add a little bit of cockiness that I would normally have when I delivered a line like that.

She continued to eye me wearily, "Are you sure you don't want to talk about it?"

The last thing I wanted right now was to talk about it. I'm sure I wouldn't be sleeping well tonight as it stood but the pain was still too fresh to rehash the entire story without having a total meltdown. I loved my mom but I knew she wouldn't handle my emotional breakdown very well. The only person I would have been able to talk to right now would have been Seth, but that wasn't going to happen.

I sighed before saying, "Maybe tomorrow. I just want to go lay down for a while."

She nodded and mentioned something about dinner but I didn't hear. I just wanted the comforting warmth of my bed so I could curl up and cry if I could summon the tears. I closed the door behind me as I removed my jacket and shoes. I climbed into the middle of my bed and just sat, staring blankly at nothing in particular. I replayed all of today's events in my head like instant replay. It was like watching a horrific car accident in slow motion then rewinding so you could watch over again, each time just as awful as the first. I kept seeing Seth's accusing eyes then they would fade and become another set of eyes. Jacob's eyes not accusing but glaring, hollow and empty.

I laid back staring at the ceiling feeling comfortably numb. The upside to emotional breakdowns is that at some point you become so overwhelmed by them that you go into a state of shock and can't feel anything anymore. That was the point I was at. I kept hearing my conversation with Seth. I replayed it so many times that I was desensitized to his words. Then I remembered Leah with her face flushed and hair mussed after she had made love with Jacob. The scene didn't conjure a single solitary ripple of anger. I must have laid on my bed for hours just staring, hardly blinking, thinking. Jacob's face came into my mind and I was stunned as I saw the vacant eyes that met me. Suddenly something stirred in me. Some strange emotion that I couldn't wrap my head around. Whatever it was it was so forceful it broke through the barricade of prior emotions leaving me weak and in pain. I kept the mental picture of Jacob in my head. It was sick to torture myself like this but I hoped if I got used to the agony maybe it wouldn't hurt so much in the future.

Boy was I wrong. I continued laying there forcing myself to relive the most wretched moments of my life. Eventually sleep came to me no matter how hard I fought against it. But the nightmares ensured it wouldn't be peaceful. I didn't deserve peaceful sleep.